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- I hate the summer here, but then we have a hot, sunny, mid-afternoon rain and I can't imagine living anywhere else at that moment.
- And I still run around in that rain, splashing in puddles and laughing.
- I hate phones with a passion, but I also can't imagine living without them.
- I care far too much about how others feel and what makes them ahppy.
- I see that as selfless and loving.
- My other "I-see-two-sides-to-everything" half says it's me being too scared to live my own life, so I live vicariously.
- I like music--I know that doesn't seem "quirky" but, trust me, it is.
- I have trouble trusting people, even after I've known them for a long time.
- I have a tendency to get really nervous/paranoid when people stand, or even sit, behind me.
- I'm afraid they're going to strangle me.
- I call both horses and cars sexy.
- I name cars or, if they already have a name, I give them personalities (I miss Oliver and Billie).
- I have an affinity for long moonlit walks on the beach...by myself.
- I write down everything.
- Even if I don't want to remember it.
- It's a poet's way of coping.
- I'm a feared of my mother (if you haven't met her you don't understand).
Current Location: algebra class
Current Mood:  silly
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| Dark Purple | 
To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody.
In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think.
And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends.
You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that. |
| Your Love Style is Storge | 
For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing
And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind
(You've been known to still have connections with exes)
But sometimes your love is not the most passionate
Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave |
| Your Love Quote | 
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. |
| Your Personality Is |
Idealist (NF)
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. |
| Men See You As Choosy | 
Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait |
| Your Androgynous Name Is: | 
Cheyenne Frankie |
| Travel Horoscope for Libra | 
When you travel, you want to relax and laze around.
You want a vacation that doesn't demand too much of you. It's time to refuel.
You should travel to:
Napa Valley
Morocco
Ireland
The Gold Coast of Australia
Any small private island |
| You Are From Venus | 
You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious.
A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host.
You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a friend to all.
Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform.
Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it. |
| Your Hippie Chick Name Is: | 
Breeze |
| You Date Like a Woman | 
According to studies on dating, you date like a woman.
You tend to take romance seriously, and you're not really out for a fling.
A mental and emotional connection always comes first for you.
And rushing the physical stuff is likely to turn you off.
You're highly selective when it comes to dating, and some may say you're too picky.
You know what you want, and when you find it, you're ready to commit. |
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I hate this time of year. The humidity drains me and the constant haze of pollution makes me sickly. What's worse though is what this time of year reminds me of: the visits, the hours of endless phone calls, his birthday, his brother showing up at my door and telling me to pack a bag, that long drive, the days in the hospital, those last moments, what he said, the look in his family's eyes, the planning, the funeral, the blur of life as everyone around my moved and worked...while I was frozen in that moment, I was embedded in his last breath. I'll never be able to forget the sound of the heart monitor flat-lining; I hear it every time I inhale, every time I think "maybe this is my last moment."
I can't explain this to anyone. Well, I mean I can but not properly. I die a little each time I explain it. I can't let it go and that's all I want to do: push those last moments from my head, remember the love I had for him and the love he shared with me, but everytime I do I hear that heart monitor, I feel that pain.
I'm so afraid that I'm ruined, damaged goods, unsalvagable, that I'm never going to be able to love as fully as I did. And I want to be able to love someone. I want to be able to give my heart to someone. But how can I? How can I explain that I am missing him and loving him, but I'm able to love this new person too? That I'm capable of being sad and happy all in the same moment? How do I explain the moments I have where everything flips around and I am reminded of him? How do I then explain that I'm ...over him?..no that's not the right word. Yes, I miss him. And, yes, I loved him, but I can love again. I can feel that way for someone new. I can be a girlfriend and a lover to a guy who is not him. It's going to take time for a person to understand my quirks, to untangle my complexities, to comprehend the thought process that leads me to this conclusion: I'm ready to love again; I'm done fretting about the past; I'm ready to see the summer sun again; I am prepared to move on with my life and simply remember him and our love, nothing more and nothing less. Current Mood: indescribable
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I finally figured it out. I wanted to go to Converse because Mom and Dad and my family wanted my to go there. They all thought it was an amazing school and liked how close I was to said family. (I liked it too, but not for that. It was a decent school, sure. But I fell in love with the campus) Yet, if I had gone to Eureka instead, I would have been 6 hours from everybody---I’m starting to think that would have been better. Plus Eureka was so small there’s no way I would have been able to slip through the cracks the way I did. I was just trying to make everyone else happy---maybe Maria’s right: my major flaw is I care too much about taking care of everyone else’s needs and ignore my own. I keep thinking “what do I want?” and the answer is always “I don’t know” with a string of “if I did this so-and-so would kill me/ love it”. But I’m not completely lost. I know I want to write and do my art thing and live somewhere I can breathe and create and have horses & dogs & cats & and maybe even a pygmy goat or two. I just don’t know if I want these schools (ECTC&UofL) to take me there. Maybe I want Pratt or Grinnell or the Art Institute, anywhere I can find peace and adventure and inspiration. I know ECTC won’t have that. Will U of L? Why am I transferring there? Honestlyà I want to make Ryan and Michael and all my other friends that go there happy…..Don’t get me wrong, I’d be very happy having them around, but what if I don’t like the school? I can’t transfer again: the mother would kill me. I’d go for my friends and the close proximity to my cat and bed. That is if I can even afford to go to U of L. I might be stuck at ECTC for the next two years, paying my own way. Maybe I can find that Veteran dependent scholarship again, and pray I qualify. I want to do grad school just so I can go to a school I want to go to. I wonder if Pratt has grad classes; I think Grinnell does. But even if I do want that, I can’t have it. Grad scholarships are practically nonexistent. Maybe I could do grants. I’m all ready $10,000 in debt to my parents, so loans are NOT an option. Maybe a rich, lost uncle will pass away and leave me a heap of money. HAHA! Not going to happen. I need to think some more. Mom would literally disown me if I decided to not go to school, so I’m not even considering that….though I have flirted with it a little. Woo! One option out of the way. Anyone have a crystal ball I could borrow? *wanders back a few hours later* I don’t want to be miserable for the next four/five years. I don’t want to sit in a classroom listening to some teacher drone on about some bullshit. I want to be in a studio, working. I want to learn how to use different mediums. I want to learn how to develop my own photographs. I want to be able to save up for that beautiful Sony Alpha. I want to be getting paid for my art. I want time to write and compile a collection of my poetry for publication, and actually get it published. Maybe I can do all of this while dealing with the bull. But that other shit is so……suffocating. I feel it trying to drain my soul empty. I haven’t drawn a thing since I’ve been home (not that I was drawing well down there). And I haven’t written anything creative in almost a year. The book next to bed only has dribble in it---nonsensical ramblings similar to this one. I can’t live like this much longer: I might spontaneously combust. I was thinking about the junior English assignment: the Who Am I? poem. I knew then who I was and who I wanted to be. I knew what I believed in. I knew where I was going. How have I ended up here from there? Where did I go? Current Location: my room...'tis cold here
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1. You amaze me. I have trouble understanding why you are so kind to me, but in my confusion I love you all the more. I'm so grateful.
2. You are one of the most intriguing people I will probably ever meet. I'm so perplexed by you, even now....all these years later and all these miles between us. You shall forever be my bad ass.
3. You are the best friend a girl could ask for. You have corrupted me ten times over and I thank you for it each and every day, even when I forget to say it.
4. You are the only guy I will ever be able to hand my whole heart to. I gave it to you a very long time ago and made you take it with you, even though you asked me to take it back before it was too late. I think of you everyday and miss you more than anyone in this world has ever missed anyone they lost. I love you, for ever and always. Walk with me: one foot in front of the other, through leaves, over bridges.
5. The first night I met you I thought "he'll stick" and look at your relationship with her. There is so much love in both of you. I'm so happy for you; I just wish I could share it more.
6. You are my Tennant. You are so talented. But what's more, you know it and that makes you seem so arrogant (I know you're not). Still when you make it big, I'm going to be able to say "I knew him when he was in high school, even then he had that poise".---I can't wait for that day. Remember me?
7. You are a mystery to me. You are perhaps the most random person I know. You are beautiful in all your loneliness. I wish I could sit for hours and listen to you play, and watch you smoke.
8. You introduced me to one of my favorite things in the universe, for this I thank you. But I'm angry that you have practically cut me from your life. We used ti share everything and have so many happy moments. Go back with me.
9. We've found each other again and again throughout the years. When my family moved I thought I'd never see you again. Yet there you are, friends with the people I've been friends with for ages, randomly popping up in stores and the like. I want to get to know you again. Are you willing?
10. I miss you so much. You've left (maybe for better things than those you'd find here amoung us). I hope you come back unspoiled. You are the purest person I will ever meet---I guaren-goddamn-tee it. I love you as much as I could possibly love a brother.
11. Keep your brothers in line. You seem to be the most sane and they're going to need you before the end.
12. You are so odd. I'll never know if you liked me or not. Open up a little child and you'll be suprised by what other people discover in you.
13. My seemingly youngest, most spioled child: Your mommy loves you and misses you very much.
14. You are one of the most loving and lovable people in the world. I love your energy and twitch-level habits. I'm glad to have met a fellow mother of friends.
15. If you'd just let me win, just once.
16. I wish you were my little brother. You're so sweet to your siblings and your parents. Plus, you are very talented and extremely intelligent. You have such an easy manner about you, it makes me so comfortable. I thank you for the laughs and hugs and overabundance of randomocity.
17. I thought you and I were close, but in that closeness I was blind to how judgemental and absurd you are. You are a bitch on the highest level. Yet I must thank you for adding new layers to my geekness.
18. My little wannabe asian. I miss your vulgar humor and snappy temper. We've relatively grown-up with...well, near...no, in random passing of each other. I will never forget our time.
19. You scare me. I'm never quite sure how to talk to you, yet the words come so easily. I wish we could touch the way we used to, but I'll settle for the nice little hugs and occassional eye-pokes. You are one of my "pretty, pretty boys that [I call] friends". Welcome to my Hotel.
20. You have an amazingly girly ass. Sorry, had to put that out there.
21. My Charlie, who taught me that you can feel infinite. I owe you so much for that.
22. You are one of my soccer boys. I will never forget your smile nor the corniness of your favorite jokes. I'm glad I got to know you better. You are on brilliant kid. I know you can achieve the excellence that surrounds you.
23. I don't understand why you hate me so. Tell me so that I can improve for the friends I love and forget about the ditzy-drunk of a whore...oh wait, I mean you.
24. You can be such an ass. I want to slap you sometimes. Yet you've matured so much in the past few months. I admire your humor and your amazing sense of self. I'm glad you are trying to be a success so early in life---it's a good quality to have. I'm lucky to have spent time with you, if we could just have a little more.
25. You've grown into your looks---they can finally try to compete with your personality. I've come to enjoy your company, newbie.
26. You are a freaking genius. You are also freakishly morbid. I love it. When you take over, remember I get New Zealand.
27. You are the next Bill Gates....in a different field. You are infinitely gifted and I hope you don't leave art behind you for ever. Remember all the good times and the way we made you blush (sorry about some of that).
28. You make me smile everytime I'm near you. You're not just random, you're good at it. I can't tell you how much I apprreciate you. I hope I am capable of making you equally happy.
29. Why all the drugs? It worries me that someone so talented in so many areas is so willing to throw it all away for a high---let the art be your high, babe, or you're going to wash up before you get anywhere.
30. Everytime I hear "Devil Went Down to Georgia" I will think of your blue eyes and that deep voice. My little Scrappy.Current Mood:  nostalgic
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